Where do I go from here?

I'm about as far from home as I can possibly get, and to be perfectly honest, for the first time since leaving the UK almost 1 1/2 years ago, I'm feeling a bit lost.

I'm waiting for my NZ residency to come through, which could take another 6 months. But the thing is... I'm not even sure that I want residency anymore. Yes, I adore New Zealand. It's amazing. I seriously love everything about it: the scenery, the people, the lifestyle. And the application process was an expensive ball-ache. But I just wonder... at what cost am I staying here, waiting for the 'yes' to come through from NZ immigration?

I almost feel as though I'm wasting my life. 'Wasting my life??' I can hear a few readers thinking. I'm living in this idyllic place, having awesome experiences and meeting amazing people. But whilst this is true, I'm living in an extremely transient town, where people come and go... many friends are staying for the long term, but many are also leaving Wanaka, in search of their next adventure. And it's these people that I truly relate to, and of whom I'm extremely envious.

I'd love to go travellimg. And to just keep on travelling. That's what I planned to do when I left England, after all. But I got sucked into NZ life. Into the lifestyle and the people. I acquired possessions (car, bed, skis, snowboard, chest of drawers, clothes etc). and became accustomed to 'the good life'. I now own so much stuff, that the thought of living out of a backpack again is, to say the least, pretty daunting.

Yes, I could just give everything to a charity shop, and start again if I come back to NZ... that's a very liberating thought. Why do I need to own this bed?! Yes, it's comfortable, but it also creates limitations; prevents freedom. The happiest I've been in years was when I was just living in my car, travelling around. I owned no other possessions; nothing holding me back from what I wanted to see and do. Just pure freedom. How have I let myself become so 'settled'?

Speaking to mum on the phone tonight just helped me think things through. I want to travel. But at the moment, I can't afford to travel for long. So why not just head off for a month? I worry that any more than a month will show immigration that I'm not committed to living here. But really... I'm not 100% sure that  I am. Oh... I'm so unsure of what to do at the moment. I love it here, I really do. But maybe I'll be satisfied with my 2 years here, come September when my 23 month 'Working Holiday Visa' expires. Maybe then I'll be ready to move on to pastures new. Canada? Australia? Asia? South America? India? They're all calling to me. And I want to travel to them so badly. But you can't really save money in Wanaka. So maybe I should move to USA to save some money - or Australia? I'm very much 'thinking out loud' here... putting rambling thoughts to paper... it's just helping me to put things into perspective!

What are possessions? They are limitations to freedom. Why do I have this intense fixation with acquiring material goods? Do I want to have an excuse to stay settled somewhere? Am I greedy? Or do I just want to make a 'home away from home'? I'm genuinely not sure. But when I look around my bedroom, it scares me just how settled I've become. Some of my friends were able to move out of our old house with just a backpack. My move required a removals truck. Some 'backpacker' I've become - pppfffff! But yet, I really was a 'backpacker' when I came into the country. All of my possessions were held in one blue bag. What on earth has happened? Could that be part of the reason why I want residency? I've acquired so many possessions that the thought of losing them is difficult? My sincere apology for the extensive self-analysing here... I'm just a 'written thinker' - I find writing thoughts down a far easier way to work through them than thinking or talking.

And through this written piece, I think I've realised the answer. I can't just stay here in Wanaka playing the waiting game. I need to get out there and continue to travel. But I really want to come back here for the ski season!!! So what are we now? Mid March. If I'm to be back here for early July, that's 4 months from now. Plenty of time to travel! I'm not sure my finances will stretch too far, but Asia's pretty cheap! So that'll be where to head for. Immigration or no immigration, I need to hit the road. If they say 'no' to my application on the grounds that I'm not committed to staying and working in the country, then so be it. I need to travel. I need to explore. I need to live my life.

Now, for the first time in ages, I'm feeling excited about what may lie ahead of me. And I have my wonderful mother to thank for helping me to realise this! I truly do love and miss you so much xxx